Friday, April 02, 2010

Random Ranting

Because I have nothing better to do at the moment here's a list of a few people that I hope get run over by a bus sometime in the near future. Or a dump truck. Or better yet a steam roller with big fucking six inch spikes on it.

Dick Cheney. This cocksucking bastard is the single most dangerous man ever to hold a position of power in the US government. As far back as the Nixon administration he is on record as wanting to increase the power of the Executive Branch (which he conveniently claimed not to be PART OF as Vice President) to such an extent that it would basically turn the President into the King. The man wiped his ass with the Constitution. Fuck you. I think his mom had a premonition when she named him Dick. Rot in hell, you treasonous motherfucker.

Bono. Take off the rose colored glasses and stop whining about Africa, you magnanimous fuckhead. I like what Sam Kinison had to say about Africa..."They don't need food, they need U-Hauls! It's SAND! YOU CAN'T GROW FOOD IN SAND!" Instead of schmoozing the Pope and any head-of-state your manager can con into a photo-op why don't you donate some of your own damn millions? Why the fuck are you even famous? Take your one-note guitar player and piss off. Oh, and you might have to wait until he's done sucking off Hugo Chavez but take that dickwad Sean Penn with ya.

Michael Moore. Don't even get me started about that fat disgusting piece of shit. All he does is make crockumentaries and laugh all the way to the bank. I'd be laughing too if all I cared about was sucking up to hipster douchebags on the red carpet at Cannes and hoping no one noticed what a fucking hypocrite I was for owning stock in Haliburton. Roger And Me was a halfway decent concept but he took it way too far and now he's a fucking parasite who can't do anything but sucker punch people on camera for shock value. The only way he can possibly hold his head up is that big fat neck, which just goes from his chin to his breastbone.

Bill Belichick. Yeah, the "football" coach. It ain't REAL football but whatever. Caught cheating on his wife and caught cheating by the NFL. I hate his fucking guts because I used to be a huge Cleveland Browns fan and I will NEVER forgive the sonofabitch for what he did to Bernie Kosar. Bernie's last play as a Brown was not the one Belichick sent in. He saw something in the defense, literally drew up a play in the baseball infield dirt of Cleveland Stadium and threw a 42 yard TD pass in a blow out loss. Belichick went ballistic and benched him on the spot for changing the play. He was released the next day. I haven't watched 5 minutes of football since the original Browns moved to Baltimore. I hate Bill Belichick with a fucking passion.

John Faenza. You don't know him. He was the Executive Chef in a restaurant I worked in. I was his Sous Chef, which is French for "Assistant to the Chef". Basically, the Sous does all the fucking work and runs the kitchen while the Exec takes all the credit. Whatever. That's the way the system works...but this asshole was something special. I once did a carving of a nesting hen turkey for Thanksgiving out of two 60 pound blocks of butter. It came out pretty fucking good, too. It was the centerpiece and people loved it so much they didn't even scoop butter off it. Anyway, I went out to the bar to get a coke and here's this guy, in his little Chef hat and coat even though he didn't even fucking WORK that day, telling this awe-struck couple exactly where he learned how to carve butter, exactly how long it took him and exactly what tools he used. The little fuck never knew I overheard him. I thought about it and then walked two days later. On a Saturday afternoon. With 400 reservations on the book. They called me in a panic and I hung up on 'em. Fuck you John Faenza, you fucking piece of shit.