Fucking Cats

No, not mine, although that little bitch is still yet be brought here and left to fend for it's self again.

No, I made the mistake of letting my parents fucking cat in the bedroom by mistake and now here I am at Oh Dark Thirty and can barely see to type because the mother fucker wanted to go out, to do some undiscovered fucking business and now wants to cuddle.

Fuck you cat and have some fucking flying lessons.

I am going back to bed now and you can pry yourself off the wall while I am snoozing, Christ almighty, I am in such a good mood at what the fuck, ten after eleven and I have been asleep for a whopping hour and a half.

Three hours of overtime and a full schedule until the cows come home for the next several days.

Meow my fucking ass.

Git.
Gnite to you too.

It's Not Yer Day Puddy Tat

Dayum, everyone is pissed off at this cat!

Oh, You Bitch!!

Poor little fucker.
Courtesy of my severely twisted Girlfriend, Nasty Girl.
She just laughs and laughs at this.
Ok, I did too.
I had to watch this ten times in a row.

The AWWW Factor

My cat Baby has developed the habit of of stretching her front paw out and combing my beard when she demands to be petted, the little bitch.

Wakes my ass up in the middle of the  night, crawling up in the middle of my guts to display this bit of affection and pisses my ass off.
It's cute as hell but she has rotten timing.

I get the message, pet me asshole but give me  a fucking break here cat, I am trying to be passed out.
Fuck, three thirty in the fucking morning.

 I need to quit feeding this little monster so much, she is getting heavy.

Not quite as cuddly as Nasty Girl either, dammit.

I Remember

My all time favorite Super Bowl commercial.

Clever. No mention of the specials at Wong Lee's Chinese restaurant all week.

Off To Never Never Land

It's time for me to drag my sorry ass out of here and head back to the Weasel Den.

I imagine the fucking cat will be glad to see me, I will be bringing a new bag of cat food home.
Then to get propane, if the joint is still there.
I imagine the place is colder than a well diggers ass at midnite, been gone  a fucking week.

Nevermind, Someone just showed me some naughty parts and I forgot what the fuck I was talking about.

The cat will live another day, I made sure she had plenty of grub and at least two neighbors to let her in and out.
Speaking of in and out, ummm, talk to ya later.

Cats Can Be Real Assholes

Notice the little fucker glances up to see if anyone is paying attention while it is fucking with the little dog.

My All Time Favorite Far Side Cartoon

The first time I saw this I laughed until I had tears running down my face and it still just cracks my ass up

I know, I'm twisted.

It's a little Chilly In here

Dammit.
Ran out of propane in the middle of the night.

Woke up with a serious case of heart burn from the bowl of chili I ate right before I went to bed too.
Ah well, throw another blanket on and grab the cat for a jump start and it is back to sleep we go.
Close the doors to the bedroom to conserve the heat.

Pretty soon I will be farting in my sleep and before ya know it it will be toasty warm in here again.

Where ya going kitty?

Kitty?

OOOOHH Kay

I have been worried about my fucking cat while on my little dalliances with the girl friend for months now.
I go out of my way to make sure one neighbor or another can take care of the little bitch while I am gone.

That just changed.

I am laying here  having a beer and smoking cigarettes while surfing the net, when I hear this fucking commotion coming out from under the cabinets in the bath room, which I can see without even getting up.

All of a sudden, a cabinet door comes flying open and here is the cat!
You gotta be shitting me, no sir, it's the fucking cat, plain as day.

Nice trick kitty.

If you can get in, you can get out.

I'll just make sure the cabinet door is propped open, there is plenty of cat food and water and hit the fucking trail.

I'll figure out her little  Houdini trick later, clever little bitch anyway.

There must be a pretty good sized hole under there some where if a fucking cat can get in. No wonder the god damned furnace is running all the time. I'm surprised I haven't woken up with a raccoon in bed with me yet!
Two birds with one stone and all that happy horse shit.

I am still waiting for it to rain again so I can see if the roof is actually sealed.

I am praying that it is, you should have seen the little motor home I lived in for a year. I had a giant bowl in bed with me and would roll over in the middle of the night and knock that fucker over when it was full.
I had a full contingent of containment vessels in that bastard.

Fucking bowls and pots and pans all over the damn place. It was loads of fun sleeping with that and then have to get up and go to work.
Shit, half the time I didn't need to take a shower, all I had to do was find a dry towel.
Not as simple as it sounds in that situation.
Ya wonder why I thank the good Lord for this little piece of mobile heaven.

When I get wet in bed now, it's either because I spilled a beer or Nasty Girl is in town and I spilled a beer in bed, chasing her around.


Both of which are far better scenarios than a leaky fucking roof.

Come here kitty, we need to talk.

Update;
 That didn't take long, I can hear the pitter patter of Rain drops as I type.

We shall see later today.
Twenty after four in the morning and I woke up at twenty to eight yesterday morning. Why the fuck am I awake?

Yer Serious? No More Beer?!!

Look inside the door of the fridge bud, bring me one while yer at it.
Don't give me that crap about opposable thumbs either, I saw you crack the last one open.
H/T to LolCats.

RIP, Mean Old Woman

The fucking cat went MIA  two weeks ago without notice.
One day she was waiting in the driveway when I showed up from work like she had been for over a year, the next day she was gone.
My brother gave her to me after I was so sad my other one went MIA after she jumped out of my truck and was gone for two freakin' months until I got a call telling me she was across the damn street from where she bailed out.
In the mean time, me and Baby had some interesting times.

 Me and the old woman cat had some serious go rounds and I have the scars to prove it, God Damn that little
bitch was mean. She didn't even have her front claws and she was twelve fucking years old when I got her.

Imagine this cat ten years older with three times the amount of hair around her neck, a bad attitude and  razor sharp teeth.
When I first got her, living in the old Weasel Den, she disappeared for three days, I tore the place apart looking for her. She was holed up behind the duct works for the heater in a place I couldn't even see with a flash light.
God, did we go round and round.
Then the games began.
That poor thing got so stressed out, she started shedding her mane to the point I came home one day and thought a fucking squirrel had died under the table, I shit you not, it was the biggest hairball I have ever seen.

It took quite a while for us to get to know each other and I have to admit I thought about killing the mean little fucker more than once.
She was only mean because she was scared.

I had to work at it for quite a while but we finally called a truce at some point and she was a great kitty after that.

The poor thing had some kind of blood type the fucking fleas around here loved.
I kept buying the so called three month flea treatment and it would work for a fucking week. Lying sonsabitches, she just kept getting ate up.
Shit, I am still killing the little fuckers.
Bombs away.

Any way, the ornery little thing has been gone for two weeks now, I have looked all over for her with no luck.
Not even a carcass. I figure she was at least fifteen years old, that is a long time for a cat. For you that have never had an old cat, that is what they do, they take off down the road and find some secluded spot to die on their own terms when they know their time is up.

Damn if I wouldn't like to have that option.
Sweet dreams kitty.
This has been a hard thing to post about, I kinda like little varmints.

Lying media/ government assholes, not so much.

Little Death Machines

There I was, minding my own business, innocent as a newborn suckling pig...when suddenly my foot was voraciously attacked by a pack of marauding kittens. And me without my shoes on. Four of them, all intent on making the kill themselves.

One of them wrapped his paws around my foot, flopped over on his side, took a bite and held it, kicked with his rear paws a couple of times and looked up at me as if to say, "Ah, the wildebeest...let us show you how we bring them down on the savanna!"

For the next minute or so it was like a little kitten feeding frenzy, biting and clawing, backing off and hopping in sideways with arched backs and puffed up tails before pouncing again, rolling all over each other trying to get a better bite in.

Then momma cat came along and made some momma cat noises and it was over just as quickly as it began. Now they're all laying in the hallway getting fed. It'll be nap time after that but the little death machines will be back sooner or later.

Good thing I'm smart enough to always wear two pair o'socks when I got kittens in the house.

spongebobcrackwhore

LMAO!

I fucking LOVE Lolcats.

This one cracked me up!

Ahem,

Just to be fair, Lolcats also has a puppy section.

What In The Hell?

My fookin' cat just woke me up at one thirty in the fucking morning wanting some love.

Get off the keyboard.
I can't even see straight.
Damn, I am going to be a grumpy fucker in the morning.

Standoff At The OK Shithole

Ya never seen anything like this, I sure as fuck haven't.


There are three fucking cats here at Chez Parents now.
The little fuckers have been sorting out the pecking order since I tossed them together and boy howdy, it has been hilarious.

I generally flop my ass down and start in to relaxing after a long day and every once in while , there will be a vociferous exchange between a random set of felines as they pass each other in the hallway.
Git er Done, Figure It Out, STFU.
I will clean up the mess tomorrow and I am trying to watch the fucking news here, ya fucking varmints!

I have noticed a kind of twisted end result of this, when I am sitting on the terlet, I get a fucking parade of cats every morning, with a inevitable cat fight right around the corner.
One, two, three. they come in to say hello and demand a bit of petting and I am like, WTF?

I even have one that comes in to say Hi and then goes and jumps in the cat box, right after the little fucker makes sure I am paying attention.
Good kitty, ya little fucker, now I have to change the cat litter again.
Let me tell ya, that shit gags me, every time.
It's amazing, a three to one difference of what they eat and how much they shit!

I have quite a few more observations of some strange cat behaviors but I should save them for Caturday, 2014.

Caturday, Busted Style.

The first detonation caused ears to perk and eyes to get wide.

The crackle that followed causes the weak to flee.

Unsurprisingly, the ignorant were content to lay about as they did not see an immediate threat, until the gas started spreading.
Pandemonium reigns supreme, every varmint for themselves!

Looks of recrimination were hurled from the corners, who could possibly be so inhumane as to start such uncalled for civil strife?


Translation;
I had two cats laying on me until I cut a giant fart and then cracked another beer.

I Ain't Dead Yet.

Thanks fer covering my ass One Fly.

It is awesome to have a friend who will take an interest in your welfare, too bad our elected officials don't.

I am still working on getting better enough to vent my spleen again. it might be awhile.


I have a cat that ain't real happy right now too, but it seriously needed a fucking bath.

I have a ton of shit I need to get a pry bar after but today ain't the day.


I still have some healing to do.

Nice to see the pussy mother fuckers in the new Congress are all over repeating their ways.


Harry Reid needs to be put to pasture like a three legged goat with a Hard On.

The Award For The Biggest Ballz Evah, Goes to;

This crazy fuckin' cat!
No matter how many times I watch this short clip it just cracks my ass up!