Friday, December 26, 2008

Are We There Yet?

I can be done with the Christmas now?

I quit having fun with Christmas years ago when my balls dropped.

When I was raising some little varmints, it got a bit cute again until the Ex decided that Christmas has to be Go in the hole for the kiddies.

She went all out.
Spoiled the fuckin' kids rotten, had to have relatives I had never heard of in ten years show up for dinner and generally torture my ass to the point I went in the fucking garage and had long, meaningful discussions with my friends Jack and Jim and George. Of course, my friends Ezra and Evan were always welcome too.

Of course, eventually I would be dragged back into the house to deal with all the toothless little Meth Heads and screaming fucking brats so we could have dinner and talk about the missing siblings and far flung miscreant relatives who were currently enjoying their Christmas dinner in jail and why they were there and whatever current heinous shit they had been up too and who just might be out in time for next years celebration.

Notice I have not mentioned the fucking Christmas tree or the mother fucking Christmas lights or the fucking cat shit that we enevitably found after we took the tree down.

Then there is the not so small matter of THE Mall.

Let me tell you a true story about one trip to THE Mall one year after my kids had grown up enough that I could just sit on the bench and have them come get me so I could pay for whatever the fuck it was they Had to have that year.

I hate THE Mall, did I mention that?

Anyways, this is several years ago, I can't believe I actually remember this particular nightmare except one thing stands out in my piss poor memory.

I drove to THE Mall and we got out of whatever piece of shit old Ford truck I happened to have at the time and I told the kids, "This is the deal, you go in there, find what you want.When you are done, I will be sitting on this bench, I will go pay for it and then we are the FUCK out of here".

Off they go, visions of granduer and awesome swag in their beady little eyes.

I find a bench and sit my narrow ass down and start people watching.

So, as I am sitting there minding my own business, some poor bastard arguing with his wife gets sent to the bench while she goes and racks up the frequent buyers miles on his fucking credit card.
He is sitting there all dejected,

I got some other poor slob on the other side looking like he is waiting to get a bullet in the head and I reach inside my jacket and pull out an Ice cold can of beer and pop that motherfucker open and start drinking it.
Remember, I am sitting on a bench in THE Mall with literally hundreds of people walking by and here I sit, chugging a beer. Security guards walk by and don't see a fucking thing.
The poor sonofabitch who was arguing over the frequent buyer miles turns and looks at me with his mouth open and finally says, "I wish I had thought of that".


Learn from the master.

Happy Holidays.

The next sound you are about to hear is a fucking bottle of whiskey getting cracked and the pop of an ice cold beer can.


  1. Dude, you're a motherfucking genius!! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

    Merry Christmas, asshole!!!!!!

  2. HaHaHaHaHa, I don't have to flaunt my intelligence, grab a cold one and apply for a grant to study the average American idiot. If ya figure out how to get paid for that shit lemme know an' lunch is on me.

    Happy Holidays Motherfucka.

    By the way, why in the hell I got the Silver Sailors Tongue over you is like scratching a lottery ticket.
    I do believe I will be scratching my ass and congratulating someone else next year.

    Get after it my friend.

  3. your so freakin hilarious

  4. Anonymous1:03 AM

    I'm glad I wasn't involved with anything liquid when I read your post. Saved the keyboard a major splash - but my laughter pissed of one our the cats who was napping in the area.
    Great ending for xmas '08!

  5. Hey just made my day!! Glad I wasn't holding my coffee cup!

    I'm glad I can read all you guys during the day to get a better outlook on life. Come to think of it, I'm just glad I can read!

    You have a good one (or 2or 3 )

  6. You'd better watch out NBC will probably turn this blog into a series next year.

    Happy Festivus or whatever Busted.