Friday, September 16, 2011

Bring Out Yer Dead

Who would have thought that folks can't afford ten thousand dollar funerals any more?

According to the USA Today, the dead tree version of the news that is afforded to me gratis at the hotel I am currently burrowed into, the entire country has seen at least a ten percent increase in unclaimed bodies and funerals for indigent people.

Increasingly, counties are opting for cremations over burials because it is cheaper.

Just in case you didn't know, if you croak and are old enough to collect Social Security, the government will pay out a whopping $250 for your remains to be taken to the local land fill.

The last I heard, it costs a grand just to be cremated.

Ya might as well just have a couple of guys dragging a cart down the street yelling out "Bring out Your Dead" like they did back in Europe when the plague was in full bloom.

Eh, just leave me out for the vultures, when I'm dead, I won't give a fuck anyway.

This is just one more aspect of the Republican plan that seems to be working a little too well these days.


  1. I have several friends who have stated that they want to be left in the woods to rot. Another friend wants to be left in the desert. None of those are legal.

    Burial at sea? I don't know how one goes about that, within the law.

    In Atlanta, if you pre-pay, you can be cremated for under $700.

    I'd like to be left out in the woods, let Nature recycle me. Why can't we have a forest for the dead? Like a cemetary, but everyone has a tree to lean on rather than a lead-lined cement vault with a headstone holding 'em down (I'm claustrophobic, can you tell?)? I'm not sentimental about my carcas, though - I'll be dead, I won't care what's done with me.

    Modern death rituas don't make any sense to me - beggar the family for a tiny plot of land where they can't grow crops and the decedent can't enjoy the space? I'd rather spend the money on good booze, good food, and good music for a party to remember the dead.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who realizes she's deeply weird...)

  2. Anonymous10:16 AM

    I like George Carlin's idea - just blow the body up. THERE HE GOES - GOD LOVE HIM! (whump whump whump whump) :^)

    There is a company I read about on HermitJim's blog about a company that will load your cremated remains into cartridges so your family / buddies can fire on occasions. That doesn't sound bad either, hell I've already got burnt gunpowder pumping in my veins anyway from the shooting I used to do when I was a kid.

  3. I've been thinking about this for awhile...Especially because our local yokel TV station is running this horrid ad from a local yokel mortuary that states..."I only want cremation."
    Every time it comes on, I think, "Well, not so much- sometimes I want a cupcake, too"
    I digress...I'm donating myself to science. I think it would be pretty cool to end up as a skeleton in a lab or (if my bones aren't good enough...maybe I can go to research) There are a butt-load of forms to fill out, and it took some double checking to make sure it was a not-for-profit organization- if someone wants to go to the woods, there's always the Body Farm in Kentucky, where you can decompose for the sake of education. Yikes...this is kinda weird.

  4. It's technically against the law to spread a person's ashes in the state of NH, but I did it for a friend. He wanted his remains to be placed on a certain mountain top, and a few friends and I, along with his daughter, did the deed. Full Native American ceremony too.

  5. All that's needed for my funeral is my boat and a few gallons of gas. Maybe some kindling... I want to go out Viking style : )

  6. Actually, most communities have cremated the indigent and put the cremains into mass graves for decades now.

    Regarding the $250, if you're a veteran you get *another* $250 from the DVA, plus you get to choose your very own *free* headstone. Big whoop. Though I certainly appreciated the headstone when my father died, but the money was a joke.

    When I die, scatter my ashes in the desert, illegal as hell but who gives a shit. That is all.

    - Badtux the Dead is Dead Penguin

  7. You could donate your body to medical research. There is an organization that will handle everything at their cost and return the ashes to the family. They are interested in certain diseases and conditions and orneriness is not one at this time, but you never know what you will have when you go.

  8. Hester Prynne4:11 AM

    It wouldn't surprise me if someone unleashed a biological weapon and we'll all be bringin' out our dead. Probably some one like Rick Perry. Call it crowd control, if you like.

  9. There is a place in Tennessee, at the University of Tennessee called the Body Farm. They will leave your body in the woods to further forensic science. The leave people out in cold, heat, all seasons, in bogs of water, high and dry...all to study how being left out affects a body, the bugs that invade and lay eggs and hatch. Just Google Body Farm in TN.I had a post on that this spring on my blog. It's very green. And, $0.

  10. Mr. Brilliant says he wants me to have him stuffed and propped up in a corner as a constant reminder of our marriage. I always joke that I'll keep a remote in his hand and an endless loop of Mythbusters, shows about black holes, and the shows about the end of the world that the History Channel runs. Because he'll be damned if I'll get to watch House Crashers while he's around.