Everything I Ever Wanted To Know About Toilets

Can I just get this out of the way and say I had a shitty day?
Fuck.

The toilet in the Weasel Den was broken, literally.
Don't ask me how but somehow the fucking toilet seat was broken and had some freakin tape trying to bridge a big gap on one side and water would come flying out and soak the carpet when ya flushed the damn thing. I got the thing cheap for a reason.

I mean, I don't have an ass, I can't even find one on sale but Christ, a broken toilet seat is bad news.
So, I had the guy's that demolished the Rat Hole save the fucking toilet so I could have the pleasure of swapping shitter parts to make one work.
Yeah, fabulous, right?
Not so much, trust me.
For those of you who are so blessed as to not have a fucking clue about a square plastic turd funnel with foot control valves to flush with, the picture above was as close as I could get, just imagine a couple of foot pedals hanging out to the right.

So, I had two of these fuckers to take apart to try and make one, not to mention the local hardware store had no clue about the neoprene sealing ring.

Let me just say now that I bought three fucking wax rings today.
My hands are as smooth as a baby's ass.
The wax is beeswax, I believe, and there is a ton of Lanolin in it, whatever the fuck it is.
When I got to this part of the whole deal, I said Fuck. This.,


Trying to swap this fucking nightmare out twice was not happening.
This is 2009, the shitter parts are from 1985 and 1981 respectively, do the math, that is a lot of turd herding through that little beauty.
Nuh, uh.

So, my buddy took me up to Home Depot, where we encountered a most useless fuck of an old man , who deserves every dime he makes ,and we brought back a real, live, porcelain toilet, in parts.
Let the fun begin.

Let me tell you something right now, a real friend, is one who will haul yer ass to Home Depot, help you pick out a fucking toilet, and then get down on soggy carpet and help you put that motherfucker in, even when it does not want to fit.

Thank You, Steve.
I owe ya one.

This is where the multiple wax ring part comes into play,

I had that dirty sonofabitch on and off six fucking times.


He even went home and got his Dremel tool so I could modify the slots for the mounting bolts, there is a sliding door right behind the tank that now has less than 1/4 inch of room to do it's thing,
Of course, I forgot to get a fucking seat for the damn thing and the fucking water line does not fit.
Another trip to the Hardware store.
The poor ladies down there see me coming and fight over who is going on break before I get to the fucking register.

All this and sick to boot.
Bonus round, my Uncle showed up while we were at Home Depot and hauled a giant butt load of garden dirt, boards to make raised beds with, 60 onion sets,and I was supposed to help load all those fucking rocks he wants.
Double bonus, it rained all day and he was hauling a horse trailer with a horse in it and was concerned about blocking the driveway. Poor fucking guy about killed himself hauling all that shit by himself from the truck to my back yard.
God love him, the worst part was we passed each other as he was trying to get on the highway and I didn't have his fucking cell phone number.


I am literally going to fall down and call it done, that toilet can wait until I feel better, I will walk out back and piss behind that fucking tree, again, if I have to go that bad.