It's Back.
I've been waiting.
It is starving, it must feed.
I must welcome the madness, it is eternal.
The flickering filaments of the darkness tease the corners of my eyes,it has been awhile, I did not notice them right away.
The tightness in my chest and throat.
The instantaneous weeping for no reason,lips quivering in morose synchronisity.
The Darkness, everything tinged with black as if looking through bloodshot eyes filled with dead blood.
Tunnel vision.
Rage.
Hate.Intense,illogical,total.
Do not look at me,it will frighten your soul, you can sense it,fear it.
Revulsion.
The children see it and are frightened and cling tight.
Welcome to my inner world, the chaotic existence, the sickness, the madness of chemically imbalanced mood swings.
I hate them.
No warning, something just, changes.
It is called Bi Polar.
So fucking innocuous.Fluffy cakes and ice cream.
Not the vile sledge of my reality.
Sobriety intensifies my perceptions, I am no longer anesthetized, constantly drunk, not caring, inured to my reality, self medicated.
Now I must deal.
I do,in my own way.
I have tried their multitudes of mood elevators, anti depressants, this and that.
Zombie food.
I turn into a fucking zombie.
No up. No down.
Just existence. I am here, so what?
Who cares what happens?
Chemical fingers in my ears so I can scream La La La La, I can't hear you to the world.
No.I choose. NO.
I don't like that.
So I deal, actually, I thrive on it, I FEED BACK!
Bring it to me NOW!
Motherfucker, who's yer Daddy.
Tomorrow is another day,it will pass and I will be normal and happy go lucky,
until next time.
Peace, Busted. I wish you well.
ReplyDeleteI read your post. And thought about you, knowing nothing.
ReplyDeleteI, too, wish you peace. Please take care.
Scary shit, eh?
ReplyDeleteWhen I tell people I'm crazy I'm only half joking.
The weird part is that the manic episodes are what scares the fuck out of me.
I get this buzz, more of a rush and I start talking faster than my scrambled egg brains can keep up with. I've had some bad shit happen because of that, bad.
It comes and goes, it has been a long time since I had one of the episodes like today.Outwardly I'm pretty calm, not something you notice until you look just a little.I probably shouldn't have put this post up, I really agonized over it then I said fuck it.
They usually only last about an hour maybe two.Most of the time I'm fine.
Ornery with a dash of crazy, what girl could resist?
don't forget the big sockets, busted, and knowing how to use them
ReplyDeletei have my inner bitch. i keep her under control most of the time but am a fierce mofo mama bear if anyone messes with someone i care about.
i try to keep my inner bitch under control but sometimes, she just forking needs to come out, write something sucks post and then she goes away for a while.
Wow. Don't know what to say to that. I have had my moments, but I think I can trace them all back to the military. I just get numb. When that happens I don't give a flying fuck in a rollin donut what happens, so I avoid humans until it blows over. Usually a good joint will snap me out of it, or a kitten. A kitten or a cat will do fine. Strange, isn't it? There's something about a little furry ball that is one of the most efficient predators on the planet that I can relate to.
ReplyDeleteIf pot doesn't make you paranoid, I suggest a little happy air. Works for me since I'm allergic to alcohol. I break out in handcuffs.
d.